"STEP BY STEP"

"Q": HOW EXACTLY CAN I START TAKING STEPS TOWARDS SELF LOVE. I STRUGGLE WITH BEING ALONE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO PURPOSE BESIDES SCHOOL & WORK.....

"A": *gives hug!* OK, let me start out by saying, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. No matter how alone you feel, EVERYONE struggles with truly loving themselves at some time in their life. Sooo FIRST things FIRST, stop being so hard on yourself!! I would say embrace your school experience and work experience because in all honesty, the two of those things, can actually be considered as a hobby!!! So you already have 2 things to be proud of!

 As far as being alone, KEEP IN MIND THAT you’ve already made the first step, and that’s admitting what you struggle with!! Like you’ve surpassed millions of people who live in denial because it’s easier, sooo consider yourself ahead of the curve! Yes, being alone is HARD and can be saddening, but it's something that comes with practice and one of the MOST IMPORTANT steps needed to get to Self Love!  

Me personally, I enjoy being alone because it is something that I practiced for a period of time and have developed an appreciation for it. And yea from time to time I may shed a tear wondering when I won’t be lonely, but I also know that I have grown to love myself soooo much that I refuse to sacrifice my peace for anyone that doesn’t deserve it and because of that, my ass is just gonna have to be lonely! lol                                                                                 

But that’s just me and who I have GROWN into overtime! Now for you, I would encourage you to set goals for yourself so when you're alone you can actively work towards them. Meaning make time to take time to organize your day with a to do list and actually do it! Make it a point to try new things because that’s the only way you will find your way. For instance, people watch, count cars, journal your feelings! Hell, doodle outfits!! or play dress up and literally practice poses in the mirror!!!! YOU have to DEFINE YOUR HOBBY!!! because there are plenty of things that you can do, it's just about you taking the time to genuinely invest in yourself so you can do it! ALSO, try using what you already have in your life to help occupy your time For example, school and work, I'm sure there is something you like about both that you can figure out how it can bring a little joy to your life and remind you how purposeful your life is! 

Meaning, nothing is too small of a hobby or an interest!! For example, when I worked at JR Crickets as a waitress, I had no idea how to cook sooooo I would just stay in the kitchen and talk to the chef and watch what he did on my breaks! Or when I worked for the Hawks, I would people watch and try and figure out what their lives were like! Those are small things, but those are things that I appreciate because they allowed me to stretch my mind and use my creativity... Sooo you’ve just gotta start literally using what you have to get what you want! 

Just because you haven't found a hobby, does not mean you have no purpose!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! That hobby is 10% of your life and YOU are 90%!! Meaning YOU MAKE THE HOBBY IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU!!! 

So RESET your mind and find the blessing in your life at hand! It's not about you how lonely you are, it’s about what you do in your time of loneness. Don't be down on yourself! It takes time, time of which you’ve wasted ENOUGH of second guessing and questioning your purpose, it’s time to put in the work so you can find it! Focus less on not having a hobby and just be good at investing time in yourself because doing that is a hobby in itself! Not to mention that if you don’t do it, no one else will… 

Give yourself time, practice patience, find life in your loneliness and purpose in the temporary pain! YOU GOT THIS!!! 

"DESPERATE AND D!$%MATIZED"

“Q”: I been with my man for 7 years. We weren't official until year 4; after I told him I had sex with another man when I was on a work trip (It was Vegas & we faught before I departed making me EXTRA single). He rejected all my boyfriend requests but changed his mind after Vegas. 3 years after we became official, I still struggle to ask for gifts on my birthday (which was March 30, thus the root cause of this discussion) but I try to be understanding cause I know his situation is shaky and his cash flow is inconsistent. But why do I continue to make an effort to make him special on his bday or any other day? Why do I expect him to give me bday gifts without having to say what I want? Why am I disappointed with his lack of effort and my over efforts?

***Full disclosure, we dont live together, I dont cook for him, nor do I do his laundry or any other sexist wife duties. He's a chill, calm person who doesn't have issues asking for help, from anyone. But if I ask for something materialistic (once every 3 years), he does his best to deliver but tbh I make double what he makes so I don't care about those kind of gifts but I still feel like I'm unsatisfied.***

Am I ungrateful & delusional or desperate & dickmatized (cause it's good when actually get to do it)?

“A”: Wheeewwwww Honaaaayyyyyyy!!! Well for firsters, let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! What you want is simple and it’s to feel desired and appreciated by the man you chose…... You want the effort to be there without asking. You want him to be the man in the picture you’ve painted in your head…. (completely understandable) But let me ask you this, are you allowing that beautiful picture you see in your head to blind you from seeing who he really is?  You mentioned that you asked him to be your boyfriend and he FINALLY gave you a chance after he found out that you were capable of getting someone else…… that’c cool I guess, BUT

Could it be that YOU CHOSE HIM and he didn’t choose you and because of that, he his giving you sub par efforts?? Because when you want something or are afraid of loosing something that you truly want, there won’t be the questions like “why am I not satisfied?” ITS BECAUSE YOUR IN AN UNSATISFYING SITUATION or “What is wrong with me"?” YOUR’E SETTLING OUT OF FEAR or even questions like “Am I ungrateful?” YEA YOU ARE! TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU AND WANT THE BEST FOR YOU It starts with you and yo have to know that you deserve better!!

You’re not wrong for expecting birthday gifts or wrong for being disappointed in him, you are wrong for expecting him to meet a standard that you haven’t set. If he’s used to continuously having access to you without meeting your standards THENNN WHY WOULD HE MAKE AN EFFORT to do the little things, or increase his cash flow or get birthday gifts??? He honestly doesn’t have a reason to and it’s because you haven’t given him one…

While you may be acting so, you are NOT desperate or “dickmatized”. It takes 21 days to form a habit. You’ve been in this entanglement for SEVEN long years. SEVEN long years of you “going with the flow,” “living in perception while yearning for his validation” and ultimately “making excuses” for him. Meaning, not only is he a “habit/comfort zone” for you, he is an extension of you at this point because he is used to you picking up the slack and being ok with what is not ok for you. AGAIN, it is OK because WE as women have all been there because we naturally give and make better for those around us, it is also natural for us to want those around to make better for us. However that definitely  cannot happen if we don’t advise, inform or divulge information about our desires, needs and/or weaknesses. It sounds like your guy is a pretty good guy, but there is a gap in communication. Which is usually the case in most relationships because people rather “HOPE” things will get better and “WONDER” why things aren’t getting better instead of talking about it to make a plan for things to actually get better….

I believe you have given him and served as his excuse long enough!! Liberate him from his laziness and you from your comfort zone and raise your expectations. Don’t fear loosing him because he can’t meet the standards, but fear loosing yourself because you chose to settle and not express what you need.                     Give him the chance to prove to you that he does care how you care, because I believe he could step up to the plate if given the chance and encouragement. Soooo make a  effort to set a new standard...that being, you want the “little” things from him...as much as possible.

For example: EXPECT him to keep your car cleaned for you OR the gas tank full OR your fav ice cream in the fridge OR opening doors for you. Even if you have to fake the excitement, get him used to you EXPECTING the little things from him. He doesn’t have to “ice” you out to express love and If you’re not expecting that, you have to learn to accept his efforts at face value.

 ALSO, consider taking a break from your 7 year entanglement? Get a breath of fresh air to get to know yourself and what you like and what your standards are because time flies and in SEVEN years, will you look back & say you lived the life you chose and were satisfied...or you lived the life you settled for?

Either way, You’re not ungrateful or delusional and there’s  absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re restless and unsatisfied for a reason. Think about it & ALWAAAYS be true to self.

Goodluck!

"RISK=REWARD"

“Q”: I am with this guy,  I like a lot.  Sexually he’s a freak and so am I, but how do I tell him without hurting his feelings that I need a-lot more from him sexually. (head game is iight but it could be a lot better)

“A”: Omg!!! Congratulations on your relationship! I am wishing you 2 the absolute best!! Now you notice how I used the word best? Meaning how is it that me, a complete stranger, wants the best for you and you don’t?? As in, you claim to really like this guy, which is great, but you don’t like him enough to be honest with him? or to show him how you need to be catered to??? Seems like to me you may not want the best for yourself or him for that matter….

I understand you not wanting to hurt his feelings, but that means your’e willing to continue to be unsatisfied all the while he’s reaping all the satisfaction?? (NEWS FLASH: that usually leads to suppressed emotions, passive aggressive behavior annnnnnnddd cheating… which will hurt his feelings A LOT more!!) Believe it or not, guys actually like to show and prove and they definitely like to please!!! —As in I once called a guy out for tapping out too quick annnndddddd BOY the next time around, I WAS THE ONE THAT TAPPED OUT, because he literally was trying to prove a point!!! Sooo telling the truth wasn’t that bad!!

AS IN ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE!!!

Honestly though, snaps and claps for you!! Because the fact that you know what you want and how you want it, is the first step! Annndd sis you’ve already got that checked off!! Most women aren’t sure how they want it sooo they usually just go with the flow and ultimately have a unsatisfactory sex life because they don’t want to “hurt” his feelings!!

Soooo I say, if you’re as big of a freak as you say, transfer some of that freak energy to “I’M A BAD ASS B!TCH THAT WANTS IT LIKE THIS” energy annnnddd just tell him. If you need to take some liquid courage, I’m not opposed to doing so because sex with your partner is important and should be enjoyed by both parties!! Noooowwww If you rather not just come out and say it, which is understandable, try waiting until you 2 are actually having sex to coach him. Hell if need be, direct his head! Tell his ass what needs to be done to get the job done!!! Because ultimately you’re giving him too much credit by thinking he will be able to read your mind!!

All in all, you’re currently risking your sexual satisfaction for his feelings and the question is, are you gonna risk that  temporary feeling of embarrassment to be rewarded with the head your heart desires?? If you like him how you say, show it by being honest with him. Whether you tell him now or show him later, it should be done, sooo your sex life can be fun!! And remember: without Risk, there will be no Reward.

Goodluck…

"LOW LIBIDO"

“Q” I have been in a relationship with this guy for slightly over a year now. We are living separately with our parents. Just after lockdown, I got an abortion. Since then my urge to have sex, in general, is at an all-time low. Every now and again he tends to bring up the issue that we are not having sex enough. I asked him what we could do to solve this situation. I said we get a hotel a couple times. Then he said we just do it at his house like we have been doing. You see I don't have a problem with that but the issue is his mum and sister live with him and I'm not comfortable with having sex with both of them in the house.
—On the other hand, I think my low need for it could be the abortion. but who knows. I feel like he's acting real insensitive and selfish and basically relying on me to fix this issue all alone. Make it make sense.

“A” Wheeewwww Chillllleeeee!!!! Ok lets get into it because I HAVE BEEN THERE! For about 2 years, I didn’t want anyone to come near me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or even look at me. I just wanted to be left alone because my spirits were just hurting. Then I too had a little hiccup annnnnndddd BOY I realllyyyyy didn’t want anyone to touch me or look at me. I was embarrassed, ashamed, sad and all of the emotions that come with hiccups. So I GET IT.

Looking back, I realized that I didn’t feel safe inn any sense of the word and because of that I no longer had the confidence to trust anyone with my mind, body and spirit. I felt that no one would understand that I just wanted to be held and appreciated. I wanted to be validated and reminded that I was beautiful despite the ugly hiccup. I wanted to be loved mentally and intellectually and because I wasn’t getting that, I didn’t want sex. Now it came off as me not wanting my partner, when in reality I DID. I just didn’t want him in the way he wanted me. He wanted to have sex which was fine, because a part of me wanted to, but a bigger part of me hated the thought of it because I needed him to just take care of me in other ways: WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED!

Right now, you need support if nothing else. You need someone who is going to speak to you through your love language to further reassure you that everything will be ok. You need someone who will just hold you and talk to you about how you feel, because you are currently holding that in trying to balance what he wants and what you need which isn’t fair to either of you.

You are not wrong for feeling the way you do and neither is he for his lack of understanding, BUT your relationship NEEDS a HARD RESET if it’s going to work because you are expecting him to read your mind and understand why you need a deeper level of intimacy that doesn’t include his mother and sister and he’s a dude! They don’t think that way, sooo you’ve got to let him into your world.

Don’t be me and shut your partner out because you’re holding onto hiccups and not sharing HOW they affected you and WHAT you need to move forward. What you experienced was tough and affects us all in different ways, so I can’t speak to the affect, but I KNOW that you need to just feel taken care of, appreciated and loved. Because when we feel appreciated by our partners, we ultimately want to reciprocate that appreciation and appreciate them they way they want to be appreciated if you catch my drift.

AND NOTE: HOW HE RESPONDS TO YOU AFTER YOU LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, WILL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU EVEN STILL NEED TO ALLOW HIM INTO YOUR LIFE.

"POLY POCKET"

Q: I’ve been seeing this guy for 6 years (I was 19 now almost 24) this year 2022 I find out he has also been seeing another girl for the last 4 years. Not a problem I knew he was doing his own thing as was I but the turning point is by pure accident I meet the girl 2 months ago and we’re now friends but she doesn’t know I’m his first girl nor does she know he and I are both aware of this situation , And it’s also come to light they started living together 1 year ago he said he wants this to work for all 3 of us so he doesn’t have to split his time but he won’t be honest to the girl and I’ve told him he needs to tell her. Should I leave or try out this possibly poly relationship.

A: Off rip, my answer is NO! Because while you may not mind trying Poly, that’s not what you ultimately want to do and I know that because you asked! And annnyyyyy time we truly want to do something we either ask questions later or not at all. BUT I too am a woman and understand what it’s like to like someone and want to understand their crazy to avoid the void of them no longer being in your life…..

So, as loaded as this question is, the answer is still very much simple. Likeeee WHAT DO YOU WANT! Whether you stay or go, WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF IT! Soooo often we go into situations hoping for the best and not getting what we want because we didn’t set CLEAR intentions. So before you make your decision, take some time to reflect and WRITE DOWN what you want out of each scenario.

Next, Forget about me and the outside worlds opinion and what they would do, because for whatever reason that always plays a part in our decision making, and think about what is ultimately best for you. So you’ve thought about what you want, now it’s time to think about what you NEED. Think about what you need for the woman you are now and what you will need for the woman you are working towards becoming. If he can give you that and is continuously adding to your life in a conducive manner, then stay and make the best of what comes with sharing…

Finally, LOOK AT THE FACTS! Put your feelings aside and look at who he is and what he has shown you. He lied about her for 4 years and is still choosing to lie which probably means moving forward, he will lie and hide things from you and you’ll be forced to figure them out yourself and eventually settle for whatever he says, because a liar doesn’t stop lying, they just lie better. He also said “he wants this to work,” but won’t even do what NEEDS to be done to make it work. Likeeee you didn’t ask him to get rid of her, you just asked him to tell her and he can’t even do that!!! (so consider that as well)

Now seriously, I PROMITHE YOU I GET IT! Having history with someone can make you a sucker for their shit even when it’s not good for you. But if you allow him to continue to play games, he will. If he does not give you what you need to be the best version of yourself, thennnnn you most definitely have to leave. I’m a firm believer that the truth will set you free and being that he doesn’t even want to tell the other girl the truth, lets you know that he doesn’t even have the courage to live in his own truth and how people treat themselves is a guarantee of how they will treat you.

I say use this time to figure out where you are in life. Meaning are you making decisions based off “WANTS” or “NEEDS.” Being that your’e 24, you definitely still have time to make some “WANT” decisions, but please understand that what we want most of the time is not what we need….

—All in all, you are worth someone who will respect you enough to be honest with you and will use their energy not to hide things, but to give you what you want because they understand that it’s what you need…

"HARD HABITS"

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and 11 months will be 2 years in January. Our “honeymoon” stage was better than Amazing! During this last year we argue more as we are learning to adjust to each others habits. (I'm still not use to expressing my feelings so communication is something I need to work on) Habits like his lack of manners while eating. HE SMACKS food and beverages! and it is highly annoying to the point I can't take eating with him or have to put earplugs in my ear to drown the sound out. We’ve talked about it, but things havent changed. and I can't take it anymore! I don't wanna nag him but it's also not fair that I can't enjoy watching TV because I have my ears plugged up while he eats his food. I want to get back to that exciting “honeymoon” stage, but I feel like the annoying habits are blocking me from trying to be happy again in our relationship
What do I do?

A: WHEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW honey!! Allll the questions I’ve been asked and THAT ONE, WAS FELT in every single way!! Likeeee smacking will get you smacked! That is a no go, HARD NO AND HELL NO for me. Likkkeee have some manners around a lady or you will cease to be around her!!

Now, regarding the problem you’re facing with ya mans hard habits, I would say to start with a conversation! You’d be surprised by what talking about you’re feelings could do. I personally am a “We need to talk” kinda woman! I put them on notice! While that generally builds up intense anxiety for the man, it also puts them in the mindset to have an important conversation versus just springing it on him when his mind is all over the place or consumed with other things.

“B4 THE TALK”

With that, TALK TO HIM when you’re READY! Now here’s where your work comes in. Write down WHAT you are feeling and HOW it is affecting you (you don’t have to bring that to the talk, but just writing it down makes it real and allows you to release it and all the passive aggression, before you approach him! With this talk is it important to FULLY express yourself! Hold nothing back because the objective is to get right so the relationship does not continue to go left…

ALSO, when giving him the “We Need To Talk” notice, give him a synopsis of what it will be about and encourage him to bring his feelings, complaints, compliments and concerns about the relationship to the table! This way, you won’t feel like it’s just you “nagging.” It’s the both of you communicating to reach a common ground.

“DURING THE TALK”

NO YELLING! Talk to each other how you would want to be treated and bee completely honest! Tell him what you need, how you need it! What you want! What works and what doesn’t! With every complaint, follow it with a compliment. The objective is for him to feel good enough to begin to be considerate of the smaller things so they don’t turn into big things. Reassure him that it’s not that he is just awful and you don’t want to be with him, you just need and would appreciate a little more consideration. Allow him to speak, but bye sure to set precedence at the beginning so he can follow your lead with self expression, If you go into it with an attitude, being passive and dismissive, he will surely follow suit.

When closing the needed convo, the two of you need to reschedule a follow up talk 3 days later! That should babe enough time to complete the “I WILL” List. Which is just a list of things each of you will make an effort to do to ensure that the complaints and concerns can be corrected. I wouldn’t encourage talking about it DURING because it should be something that is personally reflected upon so each person can come up with their OWN way to make the needed change.

“AFTER THE TALK”

If the talk goes well, come back to each other with your “I WILL” List and share it. When you share it, present the problem and the solution that will bye implemented to combat it. For example “Because you would like for me to cook despite me not liking to, I WILL start cooking 3 times a week.” Once it is shared, you thennn can hold your partner accountable to what they said they would do.ALSO Keep the list so if either of you aren’t following through with your”I WILL” commitment, then you can reference the list.

Look the objective is to make things simple! And because thoughts can be complicated, it’s ultimately time you two talk! A new year is about to start and the last thing you both need is a divided empire because you won’t talk through it. I know self expression isn’t your strength, but if the relationship is worth it, you’re gonna have to lead baby example and break that habit same way you want him to break his. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Now in the case the convo doens’t go good and he isn’t being understanding, unfortunately, that’s your answer. He’s NOT the one and it’s better you know that now before the new year….

XOXO, Qri