HOPELESSLY CONSTIPATED

Q: There’s this man I’m interested in and he’s traumatized from his last relationship because she played the dog 💩 out of him. We’ve dated, but I wasn’t feeling the energy the way I needed it to be. He’s a very cool guy and I cut him off and told him if or when he’s ready for something serious and If I’m still interested, holla at me.
-He invited me out on a date next week and I want to go but idk if I’m wasting my time. should I not get my hopes up and just go ?-

“A”: My first response would be to say no, don’t go because who has time to waste on people who aren’t trying to be serious especially when there are other people out here willing to be everything you want and need. I’m a firm believer that once someone shows you who they are, believe them and he has shown you who he is and what he can handle at this point in his life. BUT being serious and hard all the time is really hard and ultimately causes mental and spiritual constipation. You just feel stuck inside a compressed cycle of unhappiness and frustration; trying to force relief, all of which you don’t deserve.

Which is why you should absolutely NOT get your hopes up, considering you know who this man is and how stuck in his ways he can be! Let me remind you that a date, while it may feel good, does not constitute him being ready to be what you need. It is merely an experience and I think you should, absolutely go because aside from everything you have endured through this roller coaster, you are still a person who deserves a laugh or two. Meaning

MAKE IT LESS ABOUT HIM AND MORE ABOUT YOU

You are still a person who deserves to experience life and be treated to a date night out on the town. So when you go, think of it just like that, two people grabbing a bite to eat, spending time catching up and having a good time. If nothing else you are a woman being treated as you should be by a man that’s it. I mean you and I both know how life can be lonely and hard enough, so don’t force yourself into isolation because someone else continues to allow their past to plague them. Don’t be like him, be better! You know who he is, see him for that, NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE, accept it and move accordingly..

I would even encourage you to SIMPLIFY IT! As in refrain from calling it a “date,” because you’re definitely putting more pressure on yourself and getting your hopes up when it’s literally just 2 people getting together to catch up. So go and EXUDE confidence. Show him your smile and let him hear your laugh. Let him see what life is like with you and how amazing you are and MOST IMPORTANTLY, maintain your composure.

I say that because revisiting old flames can either blaze a new trail in a better direction OR literally burn down all the self work you have done to build yourself up after they burned you in the past. (speaking from experience) So regardless of however you may feel during this “experience”, you are able to take it for what it is and not drown in the hope of him being or not being.

Like you said, he is a man and men know what they want. If he wants you, he will show you and this “experience”, will just serve as the beginning of what’s to come, if in fact he is ready to be the man you need and want him to be.

YOU ARE VERY MUCH THAT GIRL! GO BE HER!

Remember as you’re experiencing, not to get your hopes up because it is on him to restore your hope in him and I promise you that if he wants to, no matter his past, he will….

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.

GENIE NO BOTTLE

Q: My boyfriend is emotionless. Every time we argue and I try to express my feelings, he says I’m blaming him for everything. Even though I’m just trying to express myself. Then he immediately shuts down and ignores me or separates himself; especially during the moments that are important. He wonders why I just leave, but I’ve tried to ask him how to be a better GF for him and he ignores the question like I never asked it. I’m tired of being the only one showing emotions constantly. What should I do?

“A”: Before I get into it, let me first remind you that YOU ARE NOT HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL! YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIS DISTANCE, DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD. And no disrespect to your BF, but F*#K HIM! You and I both know that you deserve better. And by better I mean someone that’s at least going to try to make an effort to communicate effectively. I mean the fact that you are even asking him what you can do better as his GF, shows that you care and are willing to put in the work to ensure the success of the relationship, so you deserve that reciprocation.

Now saying this may hurt, but the first step in moving forward is acknowledging the truth and truth is, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, and it more than likely isn’t you, so don’t go comparing yourself to other people and blaming yourself, because realistically, he’s not all that into himself either! Think of it this way, people naturally do what they think is best for them and clearly he thinks bottling everything up is what’s best and if he thinks that’s what’s best for him, he thinks that’s what’s best for you. So how he’s treating you, is merely a reflection of how he’s treating himself. I mean sure he’s not all bad right! He may do certain things to make you feel nice and you all may have good days from time to time, going through the motions, but realistically,

IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD.

If he wanted to open up to you to disclose his emotions, he would. If he wanted to understand you and your feelings, he would. If he wanted to be your place of comfort, he would. If he wanted to be what you deserved, he would. If he wanted to give you no reason to question him and his ability to show up for you, he would. If his ass wanted to let you know how you could be a better GF, he absolutely would, but he hasn’t because he doesn’t want to. Hell he doesn’t even want to be a better person and deal with his emotions, so how could he manage wanting to be the Boyfriend you want, need and deserve???

You said he wonders why you leave, no mam!

He doesn’t “wonder” why you leave, he wishes that you would.

and yea he didn't say that, but his unwillingness to put forth any effort, says everything you need to know and accept. Because, whenever a man isn’t working to keep you, he’s ultimately working to lose you. And if I’m still being honest, you don’t want his ass and you know it. You just don’t want to give up on someone you care about and have to sit with the thoughts that come with a failed relationship. Which is completely understandable, because that’s no fun! But one thing I’ve learned about a relationship is that there’s no point in being in one if you still feel tired and alone….

and sure, I don’t know you, but I know what being tired of trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped feels like. I know what talking to myself despite having someone there feels like. Or even the amount of energy it takes building myself back up after making excuses for someone who has shown me repeatedly that they don’t care about me. Yea, I know those feelings all too well and because I know them, I now know what I want, I know what I don’t want and I know what you want.

annnnddd sis you don’t want his ass! YOU DONT! So stop making yourself believe that you do! Like you’re willing to tell me that you want someone that makes you question yourself? Someone that invalidates your feelings and gaslights you? Someone that disappears when you need them the most? Someone that you are giving your mind, body and spirit to and they refuse to communicate? That’s what you want? Someone who dilutes and distracts you from your purpose because they refuse to produce in theirs? THAT’S 😳 WHAT 😰 YOU😱WANT? 🤯

NAAAAA YOU DON’T & you know it.

So it’s time to show exactly what you know and do what’s best for you so you can grow. So you can make room for the blessings you are bound to receive once you commit to believing that you deserve emotional security and stability in your relationship. That you deserve constant and conducive communication from a partner committed to lifting you up not shutting you down….

All in all I say, I know you’re tired, but grant him this one last wish, and leave him alone. Not because you want to, but because you understand that if he’s not willing to put forth an effort to at least carry his emotional baggage, despite you willing to help him unpack it, then the only left for you to do is to protect your peace, and do what’s best for you.

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.

FEELINGS VS. FACTS

Q: Hi I am 14 and I am struggling with keeping up good grades and studying. I am depressed, struggling with my mental health and having issues. My household is toxic and sometimes I feel like ending my life. Can you give me advice in any way?

“A:” Hey there, first, I want to congratulate you on taking the first step of admitting that you are not feeling your 100% self and need some sort of assistance! That’s HUGE and commendable for your age. —Now, in regards to your questions, I currently have a brother your age and he was struggling with his grades, mainly because he refused to ask his teachers for help. He was literally FAILING most of his classes because he wasn’t asking questions. So to that, I would encourage you to ask your teachers for help. If your teachers aren’t willing to help, ask your counselor and if your counselor isn’t willing to help, FIND SOMEONE IN YOUR SCHOOL AND ASK FOR HELP, because when you ASK you RECEIVE and what I’ve also learned is that, you aren’t asking the wrong questions, you’re simply asking the wrong person. Meaning you are struggling like you say you are, ask for help and don’t stop until someone does. YOU ARE a student, a brilliant mind of our future and you deserve to receive what the school is supposed to give you in the first place, but the first step is continuing to ask or if you haven’t already, start to ask!

I know you said you are “depressed” but FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, YOU ARE NOT. Your words are sooooooo powerful so what you speak, YOU ARE AND WILL BECOME! I understand you may be feeling depressed, down and upset, maybe even stressed, BUT those are all temporary feelings and NOT FACTS about you and who you are. When I’m feeling down, I do this Feelings VS. Facts exercise I came up with and it really helps! I say to myself,

I currently FEEL sad, overwhelmed and depressed, but the FACT is, I haven’t taken any time for myself. I am tired and need a break. (now you try) make sure you express how you feel, and share the reason why you feel that way.

By doing that, you acknowledge whats going on inside of you that way you are no longer holding it in and in the next breath you acknowledge the problem of why you are feeling that way. Once you’ve identified the problem, you can do what needs to be done to solve it.

FOR EXAMPLE “I feel tired and drained and a little moody, but the fact is, I haven’t eaten anything today.” You’ve acknowledged/released the feelings of those negative thoughts and instead of blaming yourself, you reassured yourself that it’s not you, it’s just that you haven’t eaten. Which is a problem that can be fixed.

Which bring me to my next point. You are currently struggling with mental health because you are carrying toooo much. You are 14, this is the youngest you will ever be, RELEASE IT.

SAY IT WITH ME, “I RELEASE THE THINGS, PEOPLE AND FEELINGS THAT ARE WEIGHING ME DOWN”

and you continue to say it until you no longer feel the things or the effects of the toxicity weighing you down. This goes for your family too! It is ok to release the toxic energy you feel when you are at home. Because if you don’t, it will continue to weigh you down and you will feel how you feel now.

Regarding ending your life, I’ve been there too. Had thoughts here and there, but I knew that wouldn’t solve any of my problems and the same goes for you. Your household will still be toxic and 14 year olds across the world will still struggle with their grades just like you. —So why not stay here to be the change you wish to see? Stay here to get to the better/best part of life? Why not stay here to see all of your hard work and dedication pay off or at least receive the things you’ve asked for??? RIGHT? So while you FEEL like ending your life sometimes, the FACT is it won’t change anything and you will still have deserved to be here because you are here for a reason and sometimes you have to grow through things to figure out why….

So go out and ASK for help; REALEASE what you are feeling; REASSURE yourself with facts; then get ready to RECEIVE everything you could possibly want and need. Remember,

NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE AND IN ORDER TO SEE IT, YOU FIRST HAVE TO BELIEVE IT

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.

"I DON'T KNOW"

“Q”: I’M IN A 2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP, MY FIANCÉ JUST PROPOSED TO ME A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. I’M 19 & I’M NOT SURE HE’S THE ONE FOR ME, BUT I’M COMFORTABLE. HOW DO I JUMP OUT OF THIS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE??!

“A”: Shhiiiiiiiiittttt I believe in it “never being too late,” but damn it, it’s pretty darn late!!!! JUST KIDDING!! Yes, it is late, but not too late! If you’re still breathing, you still have a chance to so what’s best for you!! I feel like being that youre 19, you probably don’t want to have into something you’ll regret or make that commitment when you’re unsure. Soooo how about this,

Take some time to  be HONEST WITH YOURSELF!! Figure out what it is that you want, thennnnnnnnnnn TALK TO HIM AND TELL  HIM HOW YOU FEEL. Be completely honest with him and let him know that you are afraid, unsure and comfortable. That you do care about him, but you want to be sure you’re making the right decision. Take some time to think about what it is you want and need from the relationship and tell him! That’s what being with someone is about. NOT HOLDING BACK. You’re freaking 19 annnndd the last thing you need to do is waste your time being with someone that doesn’t push you to be better and help you grow.

I’m 23 and honestly, I haven’t settled with someone because no man has challenged me to do so. Yes i’ve felt comfortable with someone, BUT I didn’t feel LIBERATED. and I expressed myself, but he ultimately took it the wrong way and wasn’t understanding of my feelings, sooooo our relationship had to end. BUT that may not be the case for you!!! Which is why I say give him a chance AFTER you’ve expressed yourself…..

KEEP IN MIND, DATING LIFE can either be REFRESHING and easy going or HARD!!! as in, it’s gonna be a change! and you’re either gonna be comfortable or extremely uncomfortable because you’re encountering men that do not meet your standards, are liars and cheaters….(not to scare you, just to prepare you….)

REMEMBER, you guys are just ENGAGED, NOT married!! Meaning you can use this engagement period to work on what needs to be worked on so you feel more confident about he decision you could possibly make!!! and i say possibly because, men have a subtle way of pressuring you into doing what they want you to do!!! BUT you ultimately hold the key to your life!!!! Hell  you’re 19 annnnddd along with a full life ahead of you, there’s NO POINT in wasting your time and his!!!! Aside from that, KNOW that it is OK to not know what you want and CHOOSE YOURSELF!!!

So I say, stay engaged asss loongggg as you need to and only say “I DO” if and when you are ready…..

"JERK 🐔"

“Q”: SO THIS IS MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP & EVERYTHING WAS GOING GOOD TILL LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO WHEN HE SWITCHED UP ON ME & STARTED ACTING DIFFERENT. HE BARELY TALKED TO ME TO ALL WEEK AND NOW IS IGNORING ME...AM I OVER REACTING IF I THINK HE'S CHEATING OR I GOT PLAYED? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

“A”: WOW he’s a total jerk!!! Liiikkkeee WTF!!! I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, like that’s unacceptable behavior that definitely needs an explanation!!! Now, being that I don’t know this boy I cant really call it on whether or not he’s cheating, BUT that certainly is the first thing that comes to mind. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Sooooo when handling this, I would say it’s time to break into SPY MODE!!! Thats right!!! Time to investigate the fuck outta him to figure out wtf is really goin on, because the truth is ALWAYS in PLAIN SIGHT! Sooo don’t over think it. Follow your intuition and TRUST THAT GUT!!! STOP CALLING AND TEXTING his ass. No need to raise your blood pressure and make your anxiety flare up waiting on his response…. at this point, it’s FUCK HIM!!!! You’ve got to find the truth because he’s NOT gonna give it to you.

Now when you do find the truth, you have to make the best decision for you, keep in mind, he may not have been cheating, he may have been going through some personal things that he didn’t want to involve you in…. BUT STILL my first response would be to just drop his ass (or make him think you’ve dropped him! sooo really just ignore hime how he ignored you😂)!!! Because he could at least responded and let you know he’s ok and will talk to you later!!! I know that’s petty, BUT sometimes the best way to teach someone a lesson is to treat them how they treated you🤷🏽‍♀️

Soooo when he comes back, which he will, because they always come back, accept the truth he gives you, if he gives you one at all, and TREAT HIM ACCORDINGLY!! He has shown you who he is and what he’s capable of, it’s time for you to do the same….

and REMEMBER to make the BEST decision for you… NOT the decision he wants you to make. You are in control of your life and what you choose to allow!

"DATING"

“Q”: I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS. BROKE UP WITH HIM & BEEN SINGLE FOR 2 YEARS & COUNTING. HOW DO I GET BACK INTO THE DATING SCENE? SHOULD I DATE?

“A”: Yesssss you should date!! There’s nothing wrong with dating!!! I feel like it helps you learn what you do and don’t like!!! NOW, I would be careful to make sure you are dating for the right reasons. MEANING dating to ya know meet new people, gain some experience, get freee food…. blah blah blah! VS dating to FILL A VOID. Dating just so you aren’t alone. YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS!! Why are you dating…. and also figure out if you’re even ready to date….(you’ll never know until you try)

Now after you’ve figured out why you’re dating, I would suggest figuring out your TYPE and go to those places!!!!!!! For example, you want a physically fit man, try the gym, you want a sports fan, go to a sports game or a sports bar. You want a business oriented man, try a hotel…..

NOT saying you will meet Mr. Perfect with that tactic, but by thinking about what you WANT and moving INTENTIONAL, you’re bound to meet someone that sparks your interest!! You just gotta be open to different!!

MIND you I’m dating, and the shit is annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I’m learning soooo much about myself and just men overall!!! So be prepared to have your patience tested beau it’s not easy, but ypu’ll be surprised how far you’ll get with the right mindset!!

"THE TRUTH SHALL SET U FREE"

“Q”: Hi Qri. When I was younger, my family and my neighbors were very close. When I was about 7, something began to happen. My neighbors kids were about 17 and 14 if not younger or older but they were definitely very much older than me. I don’t know exactly when it began to happen, but all I remember is that because we were all so close, my mom let me go down to their house to play the video games. But we would never play video games. They would turn on adult movies. Porn to be straight forward and we would just sit in front of the tv and watch it. They never touched me inappropriately, they never touched themselves inappropriately either. We would just sit and watch in silence. Over the years, I never thought anything of it but now that I’m older, it comes to mind all the time and I now realize that I have been sexually abused. I don’t know if I’m using the right term, but I think you know what I mean. I think if I should tell my mom every day but I don’t know if I should because there’s really nothing she could do. Please give me your opinion. Thank You!

“A”: Well to start off, I am terribly sorry that happened to you and that you has to experience that. That’s not not something that I wish on anyone’s life. BUT being that this is your life, i would say to start with yourself. s in think about how this has effected you, soooo if you choose to speak out and say something, you are able to COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY and express yourself truthfully. I would also try to figure out what your end goal will be. Meaning why are you speaking out now, and what will that change…. will is just free you mentally, let your mom know who your neighbors really are or just open a can of worms from years ago.bWHAT IS YOUR END GOAL.

AFTER THAT, you have to be prepared for what happens afterwards because, you never know how it willl effect those involved and since sooo much time has passed, YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW!! People lie to prevent the truth from coming out soooo it ultimately is your word against theirs.

Which brings me back to figuring out your purpose in saying something, because it ultimately will only affect you. (butI’m all for telling the truth to set yourself free, you just have to know that with the truth, comes consequences/things you will have to face.) Soooo be prepared to stand your ground and stand in your truth…..

"STICKS & STONES"

“Q”: So my mans baby’s mother has tried to ruin our relationship in the past & now that we have our own child together she’s kinda stepped back, but has moved onto sleeping with his brother & keeping his son away, however his brother is in a relationship with his babymother & her & my mans bm are cool with her, they both chitchat & talk shit about me to each other &  his family , what should I do? Let the brothers babymother know or keep my distance n lettem be stupid together ?

“A”: Siiiisssssss, THAT WAS A LOT!!!!!!! But in all that, i would just say to STAY OUT OF IT!!!! If I’ve learned nothing in life, it’s that sometimes, the BEST response is just NO RESPONSE at all. People are gonna be people and you have to let them be. Especially because you can’t control what comes out of someone else mouth. Only thing you can control, IS YOU.

I feel like as long as the man your’re with is being your man and not succumbing to the nonsense around him, then you have nothing to worry about.

— i would use this as a test to practice SELF CONTROL and realize that you are MUCH BETTER than BS ass women who have nothing else better to do!!!

REMEMBER: “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how YOU CHOOSE to react…

"NEW DOORS = NEW KEYS"

“Q”: HOW DO I GET OVER SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME IN THAT WAY?

“A”: i personally think, that we have all experienced that at some point in our life and it HURTS!!! But I feel like the hurt will almost always make you stronger! You have to take TIME to remember who the fuck you are and what you’re worth!! You have to remember that you too are special and that what that person won’t do, ANOTHER WILL! (and probably do it better) 🤷🏽‍♀️

You also can try thinking of “WHY” you like that person. Meaning what it is that they do for you to the point you feel like you have to have them. Like REALLY think about if it’s you wanting something you can’t have and trying to prove your worth or is it you wanting them to want you or you being tired of being alone and just want to fill a void, because ALL OF THOSE are reasonings behind being broken and having a rough time getting over someone that “doesn’t like you in that way.”

You get over someone by not just remembering your worth, but by analyzing the situation at hand, for instance, if all they do is bring you heartache and headache matched with you questioning why you aren’t good enough, then that’s your que to release any feelings and energy you have for that person. (and I promise you they won’t notice, at least not at first)

With this, you HAVE to be honest WITH YOURSELF, because in the end, you’re the one that will be hurt if you don’t. So know that IT’S GOING TO TAKE TIME and with that, you have got to TAKE TIME to make an effort to move forward!!!

Meaning manifest new thoughts, new beginnings and new things you like to do to take your mind off of the situation. -Change will come with the effort you put into it. So put yourself first and make that first step into a new direction.

A quote that helped me snap out of it was “Have a little self respect and stop staying where you’re not wanted.”

"BENJAMIN BABY"

“A”: I LOVE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD. BUT HE’S BROKE. NOW, THERE’S THIS NEW GUY WHO HAS MONEY, BUT THE CHEMISTRY IS NOT THAT GREAT & HE’S 10 YEARS OLDER...WHAT SHOULD I DO?

“A”: Congratulations on being a mom!!! Now with that, you have to just figure out what your’e willing to put up with. I mean who’s to say your father’s child will be broke forever, but if he’s working diligently and you’re willing to hold him down through this time and he is MAKING AN EFFORT TO GROW, thennnn I don’t see anything wrong with you choosing love. Especially because everyone cant make you happy or even deserves to be in your presence soooo if he is who ultimately makes you happy and you care about him, thennnnn by all means, see it through with him. BECAUSE this new older guy, although financially stable, may not have the ultimate best in mind for you, may not help you grow in the ways that are needed and hell may not always have the money he has now…🤷🏽‍♀️

Soooo you’re ultimately taking a risk with both men meaning you have to choose between a financially “better” life immediately (that may not be the answer to all your needs) or a possible financially “better” life eventually with the father of your child. BUT you need to understand that both sides will come with shit, it’s just a matter of who’s shit your’e willing to smell…

I would suggest making a list of CONS and PROS for BOTH guys and have a conversation with them regarding their goals and plans for not just there life, but the life they envision for the 3 of you!! You have to think about your child, and who will be the best example for them along with who will help lead you into becoming the woman you wish to be.

Think of it this way, “The grass will always be greener where YOU WATER IT!! Soooo it ultimately alll falls back on you, what bests fits your goals and the life you are aiming to build.

"TRUE TEST"

“Q”: I’VE STARTED TALKING TO THIS GUY WHO I’VE KNOWN FOR A WHILE. HE TREATS ME NICE BUT MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED BAD & MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO TRUST HIM. HOW DO I KEEP MYSELF FROM TALKING MYSELF OUT OF A GOOD THING?

“A”: Wowowowowow when I tell you I relate! I CAN RELATE! I honestly run from the thought of being happy because I’ve been scared with the fact that things may go wrong and I may end up hurt, so I run as a defense mechanism…. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something I’ve challenged myself to work on.

    NOW the difference between you and I is that you have someone there for you, I DON’t! Soooo I’m ultimately not ready to take the step I’m about to tell you do take…

But If I was in your position, I would say EXPRESS exactly THAT of what you’re feeling! So sit down and express to him that you are hurting and are having a hard time letting go of your past. Express that you enjoy him and appreciate his efforts, BUT you need his help to get you to the place you aspire to be with him and within yourself!! (which is to ultimately trust him entirely and trust yourself wholeheartedly)

Meaning change comes from taking a chance and it’s time you took that chance on yourself and trusted him enough to give him a chance to show you that he can be what you need to overcome your trials….

Be open and honest. Set goals you wish to achieve within your progress and the  reminders you need to stay the trust course. It’s not going to be easy soooo be sure to do what you need to do to release you from the hold your past currently has on you. Try finding a hobby to help take your mind off of things, for instance, do your hair, read a book, say your prayers, make a bucket list, go biking!!! There are hundreds of things for you to do! I personally knit! I love it! It allows me to concentrate on something besides whats bothering me… Try it!!!

—-KEEP in MIND that you opening up to him, will also be the TEST you use to calculate whether or not he should stay in your life or not, because if he can’t be there for you at your worst and support you,  then he definitely doesn’t deserve you at your best.—-

ALL OF THIS WILL BE A TEST, for him and especially a test for YOU!! STOP believing that you aren’t worth it! You are!  You got this! Just believe!!!

"TIMING"

“Q”: WHY IS IT THAT MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE ASSHOLES, BUT THEY HAVE A RELATIONSHIPS AND I DON’T?

“A”:  Honestly, I used to ask myself the EXACT same question!!! Now all of my friends weren’t assholes, but there was one that a hoe and sis had different boyfriends catering to her, buying her things and loving on her REGULARLY and Im just like ZAMNNNNN what am i doing wrong!!! and it wasn’t until i payed closer attention until i realized that what she had WASNT what I wanted!! It was extremely toxic and filled with drama!! she didn’t know what she wanted, so she just gave anyone a chance and settled for what she could get regardless of how they treated her!!

NOW I’m not saying your friends are settling, but IT’S NEVER WHAT IT SEEMS! Being that they are your friends and you know them to be assholes, I want to point out to you that you know them as FRIENDS not as COMPANIONS. Sooooo you have no idea who they are inside of their relationship. —As in I had a friend who was TOUGH and BITCHY on the outside, but within her relationship she was soft and kind. Which is how your asshole of friends may be. OR they may be complete Assholes and are making their companion’s life a living hell, EITHER WAY, it’s not your place to put the pressure on yourself of comparing yourself to someone and questioning why you don’t have something someone else has.

It’s your place to respect yourself enough to know that your time is coming.                                                             It’s your place to continue to be the best person you can be while being open to allowing new people into your life.

Having been in your position, I had to learn that I wa single, because I wasn’t willing to settle for the nonsense that was around me. I knew what I wanted and didn’t plan on lowering the standards for someone who didn’t deserve it. While that is a very lonely process, it also allows you to get to know yourself  and focus on the things you need to focus on.

Your time is coming! And will come when you least expect it. It hasn’t come because your’e not willing to settle on the pressures around you. It also hasn’t come because you may not be ready for a relationship and the best way to get ready is to focus on being the best version of yourself.

Try taking some time to write out EXACTLY what is is you want in a companion and in your relationship overall that way when someone comes along you can tell right away if they are qualified to fulfill your relationship needs. Write it out so you know for yourself, because sometimes we thin k we know what we want and we don’t…. Write it out so you can then put it out in the universe and manifest your deepest desires because we are what we think, say and do!!

Soooo start being a better you and I promise you, your time will come!!

"REBOUND BABY"

“Q”: HE WENT BACK TO HIS EX, WHAT SHOULD I DO ?

“A”: Honestly, there’s not much you can do…. Sure you could try to have a talk with him to see what happened between you two, but he’ll more than likely just lie to save face and not hurt your feelings. Or you could “hold him down” until he comes to his “senses” but that’s not a sure thing and waiting ONLY waste your time, all the while  he’s filling his time with who HE WANTS to be with.

If he went back to her, that means he’s BEEN thinking about her, dreaming about her, missing her and used you to ease his mind, but it didn’t work. Nowwwww idk about yo but the thought of “my man” thinking of another woman to the point he goes back to her, TURNS ME OFF COMPLETELY!! He lied to you every single day and that is unforgivable….

Use this time to self reflect and forgive. Take some time to really look at the situation for WHAT IT IS. Meaning stop giving him the benefit of the doubt by being in denial and see him for who he is and what he has done. HE WENT BACK TO HER, someone I’m sure you questioned him about and he told you that you didn’t have to worry and you believed him and because you did, your’e the one left hurting. IT HAPPENS and it’s not WHAT happens to us, it’s WHO we become…

Think of it this way, Never let a person show you twice they don’t want you. Have some self respect and walk away..

YES it’s HARD and you just want to know why or just want him to come back, but you’ve got to put your pride aside and realize that HE IS WHERE HE WANTS TO BE. He made his decision,  It’s time you chose yourself too…

"FLIRTY FRIEND"

“Q”: I MET THIS GUY I ASSUMED WAS JUST FRIENDLY AND FLIRTY, HOW DO I SHOW HIM THE FEELING IS MUTUAL?

“A”: If I’ve learned nothing, it is that the truth will set you free. No matter how small it is, speaking your true feelings regardless of what happens, will always make you feel better!!! Sooooo I wold suggest just being honest.

As much as we want men to read our minds, THEY DON’t !!!! Soooo BEFORE you tell him the truth, you have to READ HIS MIND, annoying I know, but very necessary!!!! When i say read his mind, I mean see the signs!!! does he make an effort to talk to you, does he listen, is he accommodating and brings up opportunities for you guys to spend time together?? Because those are signs that he likes you, BUT then again if he’s not doing those things, that doesn't mean he doesn’t like you, he could just not want to overstep without knowing if the feeling is mutual, sooooooo you literally never know!!! Which is why the truth is always the best option….

Go to him and try getting an understanding of how he feels, and whether his feelings are mutual or not, I would say tell him what you told me!! THAT YOU LIKE HIM🤷🏽‍♀️

Let him know you enjoy the time you spend together, you  appreciate him and like the direction you two are headed in. STOP BEING SCARED! You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship. Speak up and get yo man!!!

"CITY BOY"

“Q”: HELP!!! EVERY TIME WE’RE IN THE CITY WE LINK. BUT NOW HE HAS A FIANCÉ AND A BABY ON THE WAY. I ALSO HAVE A BOYFRIEND BUT I CAN’T STOP. WHAT SHOULD I DO ???

“A”: It’s not a matter of you “CAN’T” stop, you “WON’T” stop annndd you won’t stop because you have yet to analyze the situation….As innnn WHY are you doing what your’e doing?? Is it because yall are working towards something? NO! cxz he’s committed himself to someone else that’s carrying his baby…. Isss it because y’all are just having “fun” and it’s not serious? Wellll if that were true, you would be able to stop!! But you “CAN’T” because you’re caught up in the game he’s playing with you….

Once you do that and realize the people you are hurting and the effect this will have on them you’ll stop…

You’ll stop when you realize that the city boy doesn’t respect you and has ultimately made you disrespect yourself. You’ll stop when you’re tired of having to share him. When you’re tired of his excuses, when the baby comes and it’s ALWAYS SOMETHING. You’ll stop when your boyfriend never wants to speak or see you again because you lied to him time after time. When you’ve begun to hurt the same way you hurt the other people involved….

What you should do, is WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU. STOP wasting you boyfriends time!! You’re cheating on him; youn like him ANNNDD leave the city boy alone. He belongs to the city and right about now, so do you. Have some SELF RESPECT and understand that you deserve to be happy with YOUR OWN MAN!!!

You are pretending that you can’t stop, because right now it feels good and it’s exciting, but if you can’t maintain self control thennnn  time will surely take control and show you what you knew alllll along….

"FURNITURE FLIPPING"

“Q”: SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO, OR SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU COME HOME AND ANOTHER WOMAN/MAN IN BED WITH YOUR PARTNER AND THEY BOTH SLEEP WITHOUT CLOTHES ON? 

“A”: Awwwwwwwwwww DAMN!!! What in the COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!! Honestly I am sorry that happened to you or to whomever  behalf you’re asking on. There’s 2 answers…

What WOULD happen, is complete RAGE! Probably some furniture flipping, yelling, cursing, and hell probably some fighting is bound to happen. That sort of thing is seldomly handled rationally because it is simply an irrational act….

What SHOULD you do, is the only thing you can do….. CONTROL YOURSELF. Take the deepest of breaths and as you release the air you’ve gathered, RELEASE the sight you’ve just seen. Release the relationship. Release the anger. Release the heart ache. Release the tears and EVERYTHING you are feeling at the moment, because if you don’t and you hold onto it, you’ll begin to blame yourself and question yourself and ultimately allow that toxic event to change who you are for the worse. AND THAT’S NOT FAIR TO YOU.

Now, of course I can’t tell you to keep calm after seeing that, because flipping out is a natural reaction soooo kick, scream, flip that damn bed over!!!!!!  BUT know that flipping that piece of furniture and cursing that persons name, ISN’T gonna change what you saw or change the fact of the matter. It’s only gonna make things worse and give that person access to hurt you with their lies even more. Which you dont deserve…

And hey, I know it’s easier said than done, but whats done is done and with this hard situation, you must realize that you will need to protect your peace at all times and the best thing to do in this situation is to just walk away. As hard as that may be, it is ultimately what is best. Don’t give anymore of your energy because as you can clearly see, it’s unappreciated. 

(if nothing else, use this situation to be an example of what you DON’T want in your life!!)

See it. Feel it. Accept it. Fuck it.

"RISKY REWARD"

“Q”: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SECRETLY LIKE A CLOSE GUY FRIEND OF YOURS, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU AND ALREADY SET HIM UP WITH ONE OF YOUR GIRL FRIENDS?! (SHE LIKES HIM A LOT)

“A”: Zaammmnnnn Seeeee this is why if YOU like a guy, you DON’T put him on with anyone!! Because that sends the sign that you aren’t interested even though you are andddd It just gets messy honestly.                Sooo I would say just charge it to the game and  that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be…. but thennn it’s like what if y’all meant to be!!! Likkkeeee this could be the one and you’ll never know because you kept your emotions bottled up😣

But lets say you do confess your feelings, you run the risk of him not feeling the same way and just ruining the friendship all together and we don’t want that…. But thennn it’s also the fact that men are hunters and when they want something, they rarely hold back soooo if he wanted to be more than friends,  I feel like he would have initiated it and he didn't. Instead he let you hook him up with someone….😢  (which he could have done because it was you and by you doing that confirmed that you didn’t like him soooo now he’s just goin with the flow with someone else)

AGGHHHHHHHH you see how misleading and confusing this can be because the LACK of communication!!!!

So you know what, fuck the confusion! Without Risk, there’s no reward! So I say tell him! This is your friend first, you should be able to be honest with him and that’s exactly what you will be!!! The truth shall set you free!! and besides It’s not like you’ll be breaking a couple up cxz him and the girl aren't together….

"ASK YOURSELF..."

“Q”: I've been with my boyfriend a year & I'm questioning the future of it. I'm outgoing, spontaneous & free-spirited. He's reserved, organized & a home body. We balanced each other out at first but now it seems to be a problem. We argue & I understand his points, but he doesn't get mine. Sometimes interacting with him becomes an annoyance or maybe it's me changing… Idk but we are supposed to be moving out together but his move in date has been delayed because of our problems… Help please…

“A”: Look, not too be too forward, BUT I think it’s time for a change. Moving in with someone is a BIG step, and from your question, I personally don’t think the two of you guys are ready for that. As in if you are annoyed WITHOUT living together, you’ll most certainly be annoyed living together. I understand his differences balance you out, but you have to ask yourself, if being with him is helping you GROW???

You see A LOT of the time we stay in relationships because we are comfortable and “balanced.” We seldom are pushed to grow by our significant other to become the best version of ourselves and that is what matters most….

Soooo when making this decision, you have you be REAL with yourself. DON’T think about him at all. Yes annoyances in relationships happen, but people also grow apart and it’s up to you to use this time to reflect and to ask yourself a few things. Things like, am I growing into the woman I wish to become by being with him? Am I truly happy or am I just going through the motions? What is it that I TRULY want in a man and does he meet those requirements? Hell, what is it that I like about him that’s making me stay? ALL THOSE QUESTIONS ARE ESSENTIAL in deciding your next moves, because you only get 1 life sooooo your next move NEEDS to be your BEST move.

Think of it this way, things that are meant to happen, happen with EASE, there’s no question, conflict or concern because they are meant to happen. Now in your case the problem you two are facing are definitely a sign you should take heed to. Not saying the relationship needs to end, BUT moving in together should definitely be given more thought.

AS WELL AS WHAT YOU TRULY WANT AND WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!

If you take nothing from this, take the fact that regardless of the time spent together and the relationship you two have built, you DON’T owe him anything and are not obligated to be with him. Meaning you don’t have to endure his annoyance or battle with someone who’s not trying to understand your points…. It’s ultimately not fair to you or your time.

Most time we know what’s best for us, we just sometimes need a push to remember…. THIS IS ME PUSHING YOU and reminding you that you deserve answers in your life, NOT the questions you continue to carry….

"CHO CHO'S"

“Q”: So me and my boyfriend been dating since September 2019...we still haven't went on our first date yet. We see each other once a month twice a month if we are lucky. He lives on the other side of town. I told him straight up that I want more time with him and says yes, but never makes the time for me. What should I do because I need love and affection...not just sex.

“A”: Damnnnnn sis, not gonna lie, he dun tricked you outcha cho cho’s…. Which means he basically is just using you for sex… He managed to have sex with you, but couldn’t manage to take you out on a date? and can’t manage to spend more time with you?? Like I need you to be 100000% honest with yourself on the relations you 2 have Because if a guy wants to make time, he WIL MAKE TIME no matter the circumstances. For instance, I once dated a guy that lived an hour  and a half away from me, he would literally come see me after he got out of school spend the night(no sex) annddd go back to school the next day!! He did that because he wanted to spend time with me and wanted to show that he cared.

Noooowwww he eventually turned into a shit head, BUT you get my point, GUYS DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO, sooooo if he’s not making the effort, it’s because he doesn’t want to. PLAIN AND SIMPLE

Now I get it, you like him and want things to work out, but if you take a step back from the situation and look at the facts, NOT the excuses and possibilities you’ve made up in your head for him. but look at the relationship as a whole, you’ll realize the hole you have fallen into. And I know it’s a hole you don’t deserve to be in. You say you need love and affection, he’s SHOWN you that that’s not something he can give to you, soooo you need to take the hint.

Stop questioning him, and repeating your wants to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt and making an effort and trynna figure out why you’re not enough and hell EVERYTHING you’re doing to salvage the relationship because YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH! Let him put forth some damn effort for a change and show you that he wants what you want! PUT HIM TO THE TEST SIS!! and if he doesn’t pass, you need to pass on being with him.

He’s not worth the trouble he’s causing you and it’s time you realized that the ONLY way you’re gonna get what you NEED(that love and affection) is if you STOP settling for those who can’t give it to you… Meaning you’ve identified the probable, NOW it’s time for you to come up with a solution that get you what you need…

You have to realize that this is YOUR LIFE and you have to make the best decisions for you and the life you want/need to live. Sooo with that, I encourage you to take this time to take a chance on making a change, because there is a man that will give you everything you need and MORE and you start by realizing that  you deserve it….

"WAKE UP"

“Q”: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I been with my man for 7 years. We weren't official until year 4; after I told him I had sex with another man when I was on a work trip (It was Vegas & we faught before I departed making me EXTRA single). He rejected all my boyfriend requests but changed his mind after Vegas. 3 years after we became official, I still struggle to ask for gifts on my birthday (which was March 30, thus the root cause of this discussion) but I try to be understanding cause I know his situation is shaky and his cash flow is inconsistent. But why do I continue to make an effort to make him special on his bday or any other day? Why do I expect him to give me bday gifts without having say what I want? Why am I disappointed with his lack of effort and my over efforts?

***Full disclosure, we dont live together, I dont cook for him, nor do I do his laundry or any other sexist wife duty shit. He's a chill, calm person who doesn't have issues asking for help, from anyone. But if I ask for something materialistic (once every 3 years), he does his best to deliver but tbh I make double what he makes so I don't care about those kind of gifts but I still feel like I'm unsatisfied.***

Am I ungrateful & delusional or desperate & dickmatized (cause it's good when actually get to do it)?

“A”: Sis, to be completely honest, there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is however something wrong with your way of thinking!! And when I say that, I mean you thinking you’re asking for too much or being afraid to ask for what your heart desires or hell thinking that you don’t deserve what your heart desires is absolutely WRONG!!! You are a queen that deserves the EFFORTS from a King!!

I understand he may not have the luxury of financial freedom, BUT effort doesn’t cost money! Making you feel desired and appreciated cost little to nothing and I NEED FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT!!!

You feel unsatisfied because YOU ARE!!! and not only that, you are with someone who is NOT doing his BEST to satisfy you. He seems to just be going through the motions because doing the bare minimum has not only gotten him this far in life, but it has gotten him YOU!!! (someone in my opinion he doesn’t deserve)

You said it yourself, you can provide financially and it’s not sooo much about the money, which means it’s about him failing to do the BARE MINIMUM; which is unacceptable!! You’ve got to realize that you are what you allow and if you don’t raise your expectations and demand more for yourself, then you’ll continue to feel unsatisfied. YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH, yet you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t…. Soooo you’re stuck in this feeling because you know better! and since you know better, I need for you to do better!

I know you guys have a lot of history and that isn’t the easiest to let go of, so I would suggest having an honest conversation with him. WRITE IT DOWN before hand sooo you don’t forget!! But go to him and tell him exactly what is on your mind! Tell him what you need from him! Tell him how you feel and ask him if this is something that he is willing to work on…Give him one last chance to let him show and prove himself! annnddd if he MAKES THE CHOICE to remain the same, it’s up to you to show up for yourself and let go…

Like I said, I know it will be hard, and no one likes being alone, but what’s the point of living an unsatisfied life or being with someone and still feeling alone and misunderstood?? IT’S POINTLESS and a waste of time! Time you honestly don’t have.

Why wake up 20 years from now and realize your worth when you could do it now and live the life you deserve to live??? I don’t even know you, but I know I don’t want that life for you, so you shouldn’t want the life either.

YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR WANTING MORE! and don’t let him make you feel like you are! If he can’t get right, he needs to get left…..