Q: My boyfriend is emotionless. Every time we argue and I try to express my feelings, he says Iβm blaming him for everything. Even though Iβm just trying to express myself. Then he immediately shuts down and ignores me or separates himself; especially during the moments that are important. He wonders why I just leave, but Iβve tried to ask him how to be a better GF for him and he ignores the question like I never asked it. Iβm tired of being the only one showing emotions constantly. What should I do?
βAβ: Before I get into it, let me first remind you that YOU ARE NOT HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL! YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIS DISTANCE, DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD. And no disrespect to your BF, but F*#K HIM! You and I both know that you deserve better. And by better I mean someone thatβs at least going to try to make an effort to communicate effectively. I mean the fact that you are even asking him what you can do better as his GF, shows that you care and are willing to put in the work to ensure the success of the relationship, so you deserve that reciprocation.
Now saying this may hurt, but the first step in moving forward is acknowledging the truth and truth is, HEβS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, and it more than likely isnβt you, so donβt go comparing yourself to other people and blaming yourself, because realistically, heβs not all that into himself either! Think of it this way, people naturally do what they think is best for them and clearly he thinks bottling everything up is whatβs best and if he thinks thatβs whatβs best for him, he thinks thatβs whatβs best for you. So how heβs treating you, is merely a reflection of how heβs treating himself. I mean sure heβs not all bad right! He may do certain things to make you feel nice and you all may have good days from time to time, going through the motions, but realistically,
IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD.
If he wanted to open up to you to disclose his emotions, he would. If he wanted to understand you and your feelings, he would. If he wanted to be your place of comfort, he would. If he wanted to be what you deserved, he would. If he wanted to give you no reason to question him and his ability to show up for you, he would. If his ass wanted to let you know how you could be a better GF, he absolutely would, but he hasnβt because he doesnβt want to. Hell he doesnβt even want to be a better person and deal with his emotions, so how could he manage wanting to be the Boyfriend you want, need and deserve???
You said he wonders why you leave, no mam!
He doesnβt βwonderβ why you leave, he wishes that you would.
and yea he didn't say that, but his unwillingness to put forth any effort, says everything you need to know and accept. Because, whenever a man isnβt working to keep you, heβs ultimately working to lose you. And if Iβm still being honest, you donβt want his ass and you know it. You just donβt want to give up on someone you care about and have to sit with the thoughts that come with a failed relationship. Which is completely understandable, because thatβs no fun! But one thing Iβve learned about a relationship is that thereβs no point in being in one if you still feel tired and aloneβ¦.
and sure, I donβt know you, but I know what being tired of trying to help someone that doesnβt want to be helped feels like. I know what talking to myself despite having someone there feels like. Or even the amount of energy it takes building myself back up after making excuses for someone who has shown me repeatedly that they donβt care about me. Yea, I know those feelings all too well and because I know them, I now know what I want, I know what I donβt want and I know what you want.
annnnddd sis you donβt want his ass! YOU DONT! So stop making yourself believe that you do! Like youβre willing to tell me that you want someone that makes you question yourself? Someone that invalidates your feelings and gaslights you? Someone that disappears when you need them the most? Someone that you are giving your mind, body and spirit to and they refuse to communicate? Thatβs what you want? Someone who dilutes and distracts you from your purpose because they refuse to produce in theirs? THATβS π³ WHAT π° YOUπ±WANT? π€―
NAAAAA YOU DONβT & you know it.
So itβs time to show exactly what you know and do whatβs best for you so you can grow. So you can make room for the blessings you are bound to receive once you commit to believing that you deserve emotional security and stability in your relationship. That you deserve constant and conducive communication from a partner committed to lifting you up not shutting you downβ¦.
All in all I say, I know youβre tired, but grant him this one last wish, and leave him alone. Not because you want to, but because you understand that if heβs not willing to put forth an effort to at least carry his emotional baggage, despite you willing to help him unpack it, then the only left for you to do is to protect your peace, and do whatβs best for you.
You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.
