HOPELESSLY CONSTIPATED

Q: There’s this man I’m interested in and he’s traumatized from his last relationship because she played the dog 💩 out of him. We’ve dated, but I wasn’t feeling the energy the way I needed it to be. He’s a very cool guy and I cut him off and told him if or when he’s ready for something serious and If I’m still interested, holla at me.
-He invited me out on a date next week and I want to go but idk if I’m wasting my time. should I not get my hopes up and just go ?-

“A”: My first response would be to say no, don’t go because who has time to waste on people who aren’t trying to be serious especially when there are other people out here willing to be everything you want and need. I’m a firm believer that once someone shows you who they are, believe them and he has shown you who he is and what he can handle at this point in his life. BUT being serious and hard all the time is really hard and ultimately causes mental and spiritual constipation. You just feel stuck inside a compressed cycle of unhappiness and frustration; trying to force relief, all of which you don’t deserve.

Which is why you should absolutely NOT get your hopes up, considering you know who this man is and how stuck in his ways he can be! Let me remind you that a date, while it may feel good, does not constitute him being ready to be what you need. It is merely an experience and I think you should, absolutely go because aside from everything you have endured through this roller coaster, you are still a person who deserves a laugh or two. Meaning

MAKE IT LESS ABOUT HIM AND MORE ABOUT YOU

You are still a person who deserves to experience life and be treated to a date night out on the town. So when you go, think of it just like that, two people grabbing a bite to eat, spending time catching up and having a good time. If nothing else you are a woman being treated as you should be by a man that’s it. I mean you and I both know how life can be lonely and hard enough, so don’t force yourself into isolation because someone else continues to allow their past to plague them. Don’t be like him, be better! You know who he is, see him for that, NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE, accept it and move accordingly..

I would even encourage you to SIMPLIFY IT! As in refrain from calling it a “date,” because you’re definitely putting more pressure on yourself and getting your hopes up when it’s literally just 2 people getting together to catch up. So go and EXUDE confidence. Show him your smile and let him hear your laugh. Let him see what life is like with you and how amazing you are and MOST IMPORTANTLY, maintain your composure.

I say that because revisiting old flames can either blaze a new trail in a better direction OR literally burn down all the self work you have done to build yourself up after they burned you in the past. (speaking from experience) So regardless of however you may feel during this “experience”, you are able to take it for what it is and not drown in the hope of him being or not being.

Like you said, he is a man and men know what they want. If he wants you, he will show you and this “experience”, will just serve as the beginning of what’s to come, if in fact he is ready to be the man you need and want him to be.

YOU ARE VERY MUCH THAT GIRL! GO BE HER!

Remember as you’re experiencing, not to get your hopes up because it is on him to restore your hope in him and I promise you that if he wants to, no matter his past, he will….

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.

GENIE NO BOTTLE

Q: My boyfriend is emotionless. Every time we argue and I try to express my feelings, he says I’m blaming him for everything. Even though I’m just trying to express myself. Then he immediately shuts down and ignores me or separates himself; especially during the moments that are important. He wonders why I just leave, but I’ve tried to ask him how to be a better GF for him and he ignores the question like I never asked it. I’m tired of being the only one showing emotions constantly. What should I do?

“A”: Before I get into it, let me first remind you that YOU ARE NOT HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL! YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIS DISTANCE, DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD. And no disrespect to your BF, but F*#K HIM! You and I both know that you deserve better. And by better I mean someone that’s at least going to try to make an effort to communicate effectively. I mean the fact that you are even asking him what you can do better as his GF, shows that you care and are willing to put in the work to ensure the success of the relationship, so you deserve that reciprocation.

Now saying this may hurt, but the first step in moving forward is acknowledging the truth and truth is, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, and it more than likely isn’t you, so don’t go comparing yourself to other people and blaming yourself, because realistically, he’s not all that into himself either! Think of it this way, people naturally do what they think is best for them and clearly he thinks bottling everything up is what’s best and if he thinks that’s what’s best for him, he thinks that’s what’s best for you. So how he’s treating you, is merely a reflection of how he’s treating himself. I mean sure he’s not all bad right! He may do certain things to make you feel nice and you all may have good days from time to time, going through the motions, but realistically,

IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD.

If he wanted to open up to you to disclose his emotions, he would. If he wanted to understand you and your feelings, he would. If he wanted to be your place of comfort, he would. If he wanted to be what you deserved, he would. If he wanted to give you no reason to question him and his ability to show up for you, he would. If his ass wanted to let you know how you could be a better GF, he absolutely would, but he hasn’t because he doesn’t want to. Hell he doesn’t even want to be a better person and deal with his emotions, so how could he manage wanting to be the Boyfriend you want, need and deserve???

You said he wonders why you leave, no mam!

He doesn’t “wonder” why you leave, he wishes that you would.

and yea he didn't say that, but his unwillingness to put forth any effort, says everything you need to know and accept. Because, whenever a man isn’t working to keep you, he’s ultimately working to lose you. And if I’m still being honest, you don’t want his ass and you know it. You just don’t want to give up on someone you care about and have to sit with the thoughts that come with a failed relationship. Which is completely understandable, because that’s no fun! But one thing I’ve learned about a relationship is that there’s no point in being in one if you still feel tired and alone….

and sure, I don’t know you, but I know what being tired of trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped feels like. I know what talking to myself despite having someone there feels like. Or even the amount of energy it takes building myself back up after making excuses for someone who has shown me repeatedly that they don’t care about me. Yea, I know those feelings all too well and because I know them, I now know what I want, I know what I don’t want and I know what you want.

annnnddd sis you don’t want his ass! YOU DONT! So stop making yourself believe that you do! Like you’re willing to tell me that you want someone that makes you question yourself? Someone that invalidates your feelings and gaslights you? Someone that disappears when you need them the most? Someone that you are giving your mind, body and spirit to and they refuse to communicate? That’s what you want? Someone who dilutes and distracts you from your purpose because they refuse to produce in theirs? THAT’S 😳 WHAT 😰 YOU😱WANT? 🤯

NAAAAA YOU DON’T & you know it.

So it’s time to show exactly what you know and do what’s best for you so you can grow. So you can make room for the blessings you are bound to receive once you commit to believing that you deserve emotional security and stability in your relationship. That you deserve constant and conducive communication from a partner committed to lifting you up not shutting you down….

All in all I say, I know you’re tired, but grant him this one last wish, and leave him alone. Not because you want to, but because you understand that if he’s not willing to put forth an effort to at least carry his emotional baggage, despite you willing to help him unpack it, then the only left for you to do is to protect your peace, and do what’s best for you.

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.

FEELINGS VS. FACTS

Q: Hi I am 14 and I am struggling with keeping up good grades and studying. I am depressed, struggling with my mental health and having issues. My household is toxic and sometimes I feel like ending my life. Can you give me advice in any way?

“A:” Hey there, first, I want to congratulate you on taking the first step of admitting that you are not feeling your 100% self and need some sort of assistance! That’s HUGE and commendable for your age. —Now, in regards to your questions, I currently have a brother your age and he was struggling with his grades, mainly because he refused to ask his teachers for help. He was literally FAILING most of his classes because he wasn’t asking questions. So to that, I would encourage you to ask your teachers for help. If your teachers aren’t willing to help, ask your counselor and if your counselor isn’t willing to help, FIND SOMEONE IN YOUR SCHOOL AND ASK FOR HELP, because when you ASK you RECEIVE and what I’ve also learned is that, you aren’t asking the wrong questions, you’re simply asking the wrong person. Meaning you are struggling like you say you are, ask for help and don’t stop until someone does. YOU ARE a student, a brilliant mind of our future and you deserve to receive what the school is supposed to give you in the first place, but the first step is continuing to ask or if you haven’t already, start to ask!

I know you said you are “depressed” but FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, YOU ARE NOT. Your words are sooooooo powerful so what you speak, YOU ARE AND WILL BECOME! I understand you may be feeling depressed, down and upset, maybe even stressed, BUT those are all temporary feelings and NOT FACTS about you and who you are. When I’m feeling down, I do this Feelings VS. Facts exercise I came up with and it really helps! I say to myself,

I currently FEEL sad, overwhelmed and depressed, but the FACT is, I haven’t taken any time for myself. I am tired and need a break. (now you try) make sure you express how you feel, and share the reason why you feel that way.

By doing that, you acknowledge whats going on inside of you that way you are no longer holding it in and in the next breath you acknowledge the problem of why you are feeling that way. Once you’ve identified the problem, you can do what needs to be done to solve it.

FOR EXAMPLE “I feel tired and drained and a little moody, but the fact is, I haven’t eaten anything today.” You’ve acknowledged/released the feelings of those negative thoughts and instead of blaming yourself, you reassured yourself that it’s not you, it’s just that you haven’t eaten. Which is a problem that can be fixed.

Which bring me to my next point. You are currently struggling with mental health because you are carrying toooo much. You are 14, this is the youngest you will ever be, RELEASE IT.

SAY IT WITH ME, “I RELEASE THE THINGS, PEOPLE AND FEELINGS THAT ARE WEIGHING ME DOWN”

and you continue to say it until you no longer feel the things or the effects of the toxicity weighing you down. This goes for your family too! It is ok to release the toxic energy you feel when you are at home. Because if you don’t, it will continue to weigh you down and you will feel how you feel now.

Regarding ending your life, I’ve been there too. Had thoughts here and there, but I knew that wouldn’t solve any of my problems and the same goes for you. Your household will still be toxic and 14 year olds across the world will still struggle with their grades just like you. —So why not stay here to be the change you wish to see? Stay here to get to the better/best part of life? Why not stay here to see all of your hard work and dedication pay off or at least receive the things you’ve asked for??? RIGHT? So while you FEEL like ending your life sometimes, the FACT is it won’t change anything and you will still have deserved to be here because you are here for a reason and sometimes you have to grow through things to figure out why….

So go out and ASK for help; REALEASE what you are feeling; REASSURE yourself with facts; then get ready to RECEIVE everything you could possibly want and need. Remember,

NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE AND IN ORDER TO SEE IT, YOU FIRST HAVE TO BELIEVE IT

You are loved because I love you, XOXO Qri.